Polar Bears and the homeless.

Polar bears are now a threatened species. God job, humanity. We continue to scourge the planet of everything majestic, like the Dodo bird and the passenger pigeon.

So I'll be honest, I never understood why Polar Bears had to live in the snow and ice. Is it because they're white and match the snow or they just moped around up there too long and turned white? They could have stuck with the slightly frozen tundra, stalking herds of caribou, in only 11 degree weather. Now they have to bust through snowdrifts, wait outside of air holes for the occasional seal, and if things get desperate, they have to tangle with a god damn walrus. Those things are huge.

I've always felt the same about homeless people. Wouldn't they be slightly better off in Key West or Arizona than Boston or Minneapolis? I saw homeless guys in Key West once, and they just looked like jolly old pirates, albeit real ones but still. It's warm in Key West, and you could eat wild conch. If I were homeless in Hartford or Fargo, my ass would be walking south.

As for the polar bear, I guess it's hard to sneak up on prey when you're 1,500 pounds of white muscle, silhouetted against the muted grays and greens of tundra land in Northern Canada. And evolution would take what, 30,000 years to turn their coats a brownish. Those big, toothy bastards got stuck up there with their heat-trapping black skin and their clear hair follicles. What a god damn mess we've made. Oh well, I guess we're stuck with these guys at the Philly Zoo.

Now the homeless guys, they can start walking, or hobo-ing their way down to the Keys. I know we made a mess of their situation too, but it's the best advice I have right now for them. If you're gonna be homeless, at least be warm.