Tips to make the beach enjoyable for the rest of us

So summer's here and everyone's getting ready to hit the beach. We know, we know -- shore season began two weeks ago. But for all you slackers out there (and we know you're out there), here are a few ways to avoid hassles and just enjoy the sand, surf and sun.

A few things you should know about the beach.

Parking:
There usually isn't any. Your best bet is convincing your friend or significant other to drop you off while they scour the streets for an open meter or parking lot that's not in another county.

Tags:
You're paying out the ass for everything else at the shore, and guess what, you have to pay to go on the beach too. There are only a few towns that don't charge you to sit and swim
-- Atlantic City and the Wildwoods come to mind. If you don't buy a beach tag, men with guns will hunt you down, drag you out of the water and pour sand down your bathing suit. Just kidding, but seriously, they get mad.

Bathing suits:
Wear one. Some men, usually balding and bell-shaped, like to wear Speedos that are usually bursting at the seams. Unless you're doing it to win a bet or something, grape smugglers don't look good on anyone, even if you look like Brad Pitt. The same goes for women and thongs
-- take a long, hard look in the mirror before you throw the neon floss between your butt cheeks.

Sunblock:
If you're not Italian, Hispanic, or African American, wear sunscreen. No one wants to go out later that night with someone who's red and shiny. Even if you do go out, your friends will slap you on the back all night and that hurts bad.

Food:
Forget about your diet. Soy milk and veggie burgers are hard to come by on the boardwalks. Even if you find them, eat huge slices of pizza and drink a super jumbo lemonade anyway.

Alcohol:
Assume that you can't drink alcohol on the beach, at least out of a bottle or can. If you get drunk, you're liable to drown, trample a kid's sand castle, or worse, pass out and get really sunburned on one side of you body. You'll look like a Tylenol.

Sea Gulls:
Don't be the asshole who decides to feed the seagulls. That shit gets way out of control real fast and if someone's filming you getting attacked by a Cheeto-frenzied flock, it will be on the Internet the next day.

Other people:
Families like to go to the beach. They bury each other in the sand, eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and go body-surfing, usually all day. If you set up shop next to a family, watch the language and don't be a jerk.