Empire

New York city for a crabmeat burger and a comic book.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Kid loses hand and part of ass by being an ass

So a 15-year-old got his hand bitten off near Sao Paulo, Brazil. No wait, according to the AP, it was ripped off. He also lost some of his ass.

Let's hear it for Pernambuco state fire department spokesman Marcio Maia for saying it was the kids fault:

"People insist on ignoring the sign posts warning of the danger of shark attacks, especially beyond the coral reefs about 150 meters (490 feet) from the beach," Maia said.

In other news, Brazil's getting pretty nutty with sharks too. I know I watched a shark week special about a particularly bloody rampage down there.

There's plenty of nice things to look at in Brazil, when you're on the beach. You don't have to go in the water to admire all the asses, although if you had goggles. It's a tough one, I know, but sharks are after me, so I'd stick to the beach and wear sunglasses.

We parents are nuts

This is the view from the line at the Gloucester Township Municipal Building this morning at 6 a.m. The reason: Parents signing their kids up for the various summer classes and camps. My wife was there and she's got to go back on Wednesday to sign my daughter up for another class. She'll be getting up at 3 a.m.

We love those kids.

Sent from My Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

The Pistol

When he was 25-years-old, Pistol Pete Maravich allegedly told a reporter in Pennsylvania (Andy Nuzzo) that he "didn't want to play 10 season in the NBA and die of a heart attack at 40."

That's exactly what he did though and that's why he's my favorite player of all time.

A dumb way to get a sick day.

This story could be total bull, but I actually stepped on a set of shark jaws in my closet once and tore my foot open. I didn't get a day off from school though.

---

Dudley teenager savaged in own bedroom

14-year-old Sam Hawthorne had a rude awakening when he sleepwalked into a souvenir shark.

On Friday night, the beast bit back and the hapless somnambulist woke his family by screaming with pain. The creature's fangs had become embedded in Sam's left cheek. His mum, Susan Hawthorne, who found him with blood pouring down his face, said 'It was like something out of a horror film'.

The decorative shark's head originally came from Portugal, where Sam had bought it as a souvenir on a family holiday. However, it's now been exiled to a different part of the house as he refuses to have it back in his bedroom.

Luckily, Sam escaped without serious injuries although it took 15 minutes to free him from the jaws. He was sufficiently shaken to merit a day off school and staff at Thorns School and Community College have officially recorded his reason for absence as 'shark attack'. Mrs Hawthorne had to take the head to school in a bag to validate his excuse.

'It’s not everyday you hear about a shark attack in landlocked Black Country', she said. 'It has to go down history as the most unusual reason for a student to skip school.'

A childhood hero. . .seriously

Gary Ellis inspired me to be rad when I was a kid.

Here's a line from his Wikipedia entry that cuts to the bone.

n 1977 at age 11. He saw a BMX display at a car show and he asked his father if he could race.

Mexican Shark Madness

So the shark shit is getting out of control South of the Border. Two surfers are dead, another has large holes in his arm, and everyone is going batshit.

Whenever sharks get consistently nasty like this, a talking head will roll out with the usual. "There's a better chance you'll get struck by lightning, hit by a car, or crushed by falling rock, than attacked and killed by a shark" quote.

That's all good I guess, and probably true, but I'd be pissed off at that head if I was this dude with the busted arm. I have to think that Mexican tourism officials want to hang California State University Marine biologist Chris Lowe from a Joshua Tree and beat him like a pinata for this quote.

"People have a much better chance of dying of food poisoning going to Mexico than being bitten by a shark," he said. "It's far more dangerous driving to the beach than it is getting in the water."

Gracias, Chris. Now people have to worry about getting chomped by a porker in the Pacific Ocean and the bacteria-laden ice cubes floating in their rocky Margarita.

Either way, bowels will be evacuated.

On a positive note, it seems as if humans are taking the proactive approach and indiscriminately killing sharks of all species in retaliation. That should send those malicious predators a message.

If only that energy could be channeled toward better drinking water and stringent health codes, tourists' intestines would probably feel much better when a Great White rips into them.

A troubling trend.

Ever since I signed up for the Blockbuster Total Access movie plan, I've felt an extreme pressure to watch movies. When movies come in the mail, I feel like I'm under the gun to pop it in and get the next flick on my queue.

I'm envisioning a crew of Blockbuster employees, watching my every move, and gloating over the fact that I don't watch as many flicks as my plan allows. They're getting one over on me. I know they're all laughing about it right now.

I've had this French slasher flick, High Tension, sitting on top of my television since March, and it's been eating away at my every waking moment. Slasher flicks are tough in my house--my wife hates them, and the kids don't always like seeing someone's throat slit or eyeball gouged out.

So last night, I popped it in. I had to pause a scene where the slasher was getting off on a severed head because my son walked in. But then I hit the fast-forward button by accident.

And I kept going. It's not old-school, squiggly-line fast forward like VHS. I'm not even sure if it's called fast forward in 2008. Needless to say, I watched the whole movie in about 35 minutes, playing parts with dialogue for some reason (It's not like it was My Dinner with Andre).

Maybe it was the guilt of having it so long, or the laughing Blockbuster employees--either way, I didn't feel like I missed out on the flick. That's probably because it was horrible. Their Shyamalan gimmick at the end was simply impossible, and if there's one thing I demand from French slasher flicks, it's believability.

I feel stressed out. If I don't knock out The Muppet's Treasure Island and Juno by Memorial Day, I'll definitely have an ulcer.

My instinct would clear my bowels.

Way to go, Jason in Australia. You escaped. Many don't. I have to wonder if shitting your board shorts would be a deterrent as well. That's what I would do.

Australian pokes great white shark in eye

May 11, 2008

SYDNEY (AFP) — An Australian man has described how he escaped from the jaws of a great white shark by poking it in the eye as it dragged him under water.

Jason Cull, 37, told reporters from his hospital bed that he saw a dark shape approaching as he swam about 80 metres (yards) off the popular Middleton beach in Western Australia on Saturday.

At first he thought it was one of the dolphins he had been swimming with, but realised it was a shark as the four-metre (12-foot) monster closed in, local media reported Monday.

"It banged straight into me... and it grabbed me by the leg and dragged me under the water," said Cull, a schoolteacher and father of two.

"I just remember being dragged backwards underwater. I felt along it, I found its eye and I poked it in the eye, and that's when it let go."

A volunteer at the local surf club, Joanne Lucas, 50, heard Cull's cries for help as she arrived at the beach and immediately dived in to rescue him.

"Instinct just kicked in," she told reporters. "I didn't even have to think about it, which is amazing really.

"I got to him and he said, 'Thank God. Thank you so much -- a shark has attacked my leg.'

"He had huge chunks taken out of his leg, his calf and the knee," Lucas said.

Cull underwent surgery at a regional hospital and doctors said he was expected to make a full recovery.

Middleton beach remained closed Monday as at least three great white sharks cruised offshore, avoiding efforts to herd them away, fisheries officials said.

A teenaged surfer was killed in a shark attack last month, bringing the death toll in Australia since 2000 to 12, according to the US-based International Shark Attack File.

Please pay for me to go shark diving

In case you haven't realized it, I am absolutely fascinated and terrified by sharks, particularly these big porkers. It's been a dream of mine to drop in a cage with some in South Africa. Unfortunately, I've delayed the dream often by making dumb, impulsive purchases like motorcycles and fixed-gear bicycles, neither of which ever touch my ass.

So, if you've got thousands to spare, send me to South Africa. Thanks a bunch.

Polar Bears and the homeless.

Polar bears are now a threatened species. God job, humanity. We continue to scourge the planet of everything majestic, like the Dodo bird and the passenger pigeon.

So I'll be honest, I never understood why Polar Bears had to live in the snow and ice. Is it because they're white and match the snow or they just moped around up there too long and turned white? They could have stuck with the slightly frozen tundra, stalking herds of caribou, in only 11 degree weather. Now they have to bust through snowdrifts, wait outside of air holes for the occasional seal, and if things get desperate, they have to tangle with a god damn walrus. Those things are huge.

I've always felt the same about homeless people. Wouldn't they be slightly better off in Key West or Arizona than Boston or Minneapolis? I saw homeless guys in Key West once, and they just looked like jolly old pirates, albeit real ones but still. It's warm in Key West, and you could eat wild conch. If I were homeless in Hartford or Fargo, my ass would be walking south.

As for the polar bear, I guess it's hard to sneak up on prey when you're 1,500 pounds of white muscle, silhouetted against the muted grays and greens of tundra land in Northern Canada. And evolution would take what, 30,000 years to turn their coats a brownish. Those big, toothy bastards got stuck up there with their heat-trapping black skin and their clear hair follicles. What a god damn mess we've made. Oh well, I guess we're stuck with these guys at the Philly Zoo.

Now the homeless guys, they can start walking, or hobo-ing their way down to the Keys. I know we made a mess of their situation too, but it's the best advice I have right now for them. If you're gonna be homeless, at least be warm.

Yard sale

My wife was up at 6 am..getting this stuff ready. Seeing all these empty strollers got me a little sad. We can't stop time.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Karma makes me believe

I'm no philanthropist. I give $1 a week to the United Way and $10 a month to Oxfam. I'm probably going to donate my beloved Jeep, with all of her 170,000 miles, to the Purple Heart. But that's basically it. I don't volunteer anywhere, except as a coach for my son's wrestling sqaud. I'm totally envious of Steve Liberati, a relative who is trying to ressurect Camden by saving its children. I don't have the will to do what he does. I just admire, from the sidelines.

I can't say that good deeds didn't slap me in the face once.

A few years ago, when I was in the midst of getting my MLA from Penn, I found myself at a traffic light, waiting to get on the Vine Street expressway. There was a homeless man there, as there often is, walking up and down the line of parked cars with a coffee can. I usually pretend not to see them, but on this day, I unrolled my window and gave the guy a $1.

It was 45 minutes later. I was up on the upper floors of the Van Pelt Library at Penn, in musty hallways of American history, or fashion, or automobiles, or some combination of them all. I was looking for a book that detailed Henry Ford's philosophy behind the look and production of the Model T for a paper I was doing on fashion and the automobile industry. I needed the "they can have them in any color, as long as they're black" quote from a thick and dusty book.

So I crouched down, sat on a rolling foot stool, and looked at all Penn had to offer on the father of the American auto industry. (He was a real bastard too). I grabbed one book, not sure of its title, and out came a fresh, crispy $20 bill.

I let it fall on the floor. Then I picked it up. I peeked around each endcap, but didn't see anyone filming me or giggling in the corner, in their Uggs. It was just me and the money, and I kept it.

It's one of the strangest things that ever happened to me. I don't think I learned the lesson.

I love commercials

Bridget and I were talking about Lance Armstrong burnout, but back in the day, before he hung out with celebrities and dated rock stars, he pretty much kicked ass. This commercial proves it.

SpongeBob SquarePants image painted on historic Colo. cabin

Who would deface a historic log cabin with the goofy mug of Spongebob Squarepants? There can be only one answer.

Sheldon J. Plankton.
Duh. Don't these park rangers watch the show?